We caught up with Kevin McAllion, author of ‘Moristoun’ and asked him a few probing questions.
Q1. Haggis or porridge and why?
The idea of eating haggis pretty much terrified me when I was younger. When it comes to a disturbing list of ingredients, haggis can only be matched by the rider for Black Sabbath’s infamous 1983 tour. But haggis has won me over as I’ve grown older and the prospect of eating offal cooked inside the lining of a sheep’s stomach now fills me with excitement rather than dread. I’m also a big fan of porridge, mainly as a 43 pence bag of oats from Lidl can keep me fed at breakfast time for at least a couple of weeks, an alluring idea for any penny-pinching Scotsman. But when tasked with picking between these two national dishes, I would have to plump for haggis as it also contains oatmeal, so you technically get to eat some porridge at the same time.
Q2. What DO Scotsmen wear under a kilt?
Many people will tell you that a true Scotsman wears nothing under his kilt but that’s a load of bollocks. Any self-respecting Scot will have a bottle of Irn-Bru, a fish supper and a Proclaimers CD safely stored away under their kilt in case of emergencies.
Q3. If you were sent to your own island what would be your one essential item and one luxury and why?
My essential item would be a monkey hypnotist, something I rarely leave home without. The hypnotist could fool all the simians on the island into thinking I was their God, handing me an army of compliant and fearful apes. I could then live a life of luxury as my underlings deliver a steady supply of food and provide constant entertainment. The hypnotist can even get the monkeys to create a statue of their divine leader, leaving a permanent reminder of my glorious reign as ruler of the isle before I’m eventually overthrown and beaten to a bloody pulp by either a cabal of revolutionary macaques or a jealous hypnotist.
In anticipation for this eventuality, I’d pick all of the Planet of the Apes movies and a portable DVD player powered by solar energy as my luxury item so I can study simian military manoeuvres and psychology in depth then draw up a watertight counter-revolutionary plan.