Today’s Coffee Break Read

A HOME TO DIE FOR

I’d like to show you my humble home.

I’m sure you notice the gorgeous redwood floors, Those are actually 80 year old oak floors that I stained with human blood. The wood was dry enough to soak up the blood nicely and then I just had to varnish them.

I can see from your expression that you are amazed, and I do admit it was a lot of work but well worth it.

I also made the couch myself, I had to learn to make my own leather. Human flesh is tough to work with but after a few botched skins I learned to make it. And I think that handcrafted charm gives the room just the right touch.

Have a seat, the padding is made out of human hair and it is amazingly comfortable.

I see you’re shaking your head no. I guess with your hands tied behind your back it would be hard to sit comfortably.

Coming into the kitchen, I’d like to point out the grout work. Those flakes you see in the grout I made myself out of human bones. It’s a tough process grinding up a person’s bones to a uniform small size but in the end, the satisfaction of creating a truly unique floor is well worth it.

As an added bonus, what I couldn’t use on the floor makes a great soil enhancer. You wouldn’t believe the size of the tomatoes I grew in the soil where I dumped the left over bone dust.

Of course I have to use a gentle soap to keep it looking nice.

I make my own. Human fat makes such a wonderful soap.

On the table there you can see my soup bowl collection. I could have gone out and bought a set, but that seemed too impersonal. I hand crafted each one out of human skulls, It’s quite a process sanding and polishing the skulls, but I feel the food tastes so much better out of a bowl I made myself than out of some cheap bowl made in China.

Although the raw materials from one did originally come from China, I think that’s where she was from anyway.

Of course the set wouldn’t be complete without the silverware. I polished and shaped each handle from the hand bones of the owner of the skull, it’s a small detail but I believe it’s the attention to the little things that lift good design into a work of art.

Wouldn’t you agree?

I can see by your wide eyed stare that you are trying to take it all in, I’ll take that as a compliment.

In keeping with the theme, if you notice the frame of the chalkboard there, the flakes of texture are the left over fingernails, I dipped them in fingernail polish before gluing them on, which I think is a nice touch.

I do have to make a small confession here, I cheated on the glue. At first I tried to make my own glue from finger and toenails but I found that was a lot tougher than you’d think.

That wasn’t the only thing that didn’t go exactly as planned, of course.

I wanted to replace the plumbing with bones. I figured cleaning out the marrow from the bones would make a nice replacement for pipes, but I never managed to get them to form a watertight seal. I just ended up making a big mess.

I can see the thought of a mess terrifies you, but don’t worry it wasn’t that bad. Nothing a good mopping couldn’t take care of.

I must apologize, all this talking has left me a little thirsty, do you mind if I pour myself some wine. I’d offer you some but that would involve taking the gag out of your mouth.

Oh, do you like my Bota Bag for the wine. It’s made from the human stomach. It doesn’t really hold enough to be practical but since I’m not a heavy drinker I can sacrifice a little convenience for style. And I think the added layer of formality enhances the flavor.

I can see from your look you’re nervous about why I am showing you all this. Let me put your mind at rest I’m not trying to sell you this house.

After all the work I put into personalizing it, I don’t think I could ever sell it.

No, I wanted you to see the loving care I put into remodeling this house to let you know I’ll take the same care with you.

I wish it could be different, but I really have to redecorate my home office.

A HOME TO DIE FOR was originally published in Alienskin Magazine. It is available for free with another short story, THE ADJUSTER, at Smashwords.

Darrell B. Nelson is a former Securities Broker and Insurance Agent who has decided to use the total meltdown of his former industry, and the total destruction of any illusions of personal financial security the meltdown caused, as an opportunity to pursue a writing career.

When he started writing he knew in the future his works would be of great importance, as time travellers arrived and started watching his every move. Or, maybe they were cats, wondering if he would pet them and rub their ears. Time Travelers have whiskers and like to curl up in your lap, right?

In his free time, he likes to hang out on Facebook, marvelling at how far we’ve come since the time of the Egyptians who would worship cats and write on walls.

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